Keyboard Rapeage


Friday

omg...lyke whoa!

www.myspace.com/bluevinyl

i boned down with this girl last night. and this morning.

she likes the ween.

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 17:41 :: 2 Comments:

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Monday

i love monday

i woke up this morning in a good mood, for the first time in a while.

i woke up before 8 in the morning, when the sun actually was shining.

i woke up with out a hang over or bloodshot eyes.

i woke up having a plan for the day and the energy to actually do the things i want to.

i woke up and took a shower and put on that super cozy white oversized bathrobe that reaches my ankles and could fit two.

i woke up and ate a real breakfast that didn't involve over processing, last night's take away, or ingrediants i couldn't pronounce.

i woke up and smoked on the porch and listened to sounds besides traffic, yelling, or drunk college students.

i woke up alone in a bed way too big for me and didn't feel like a loser.

i woke up knowing that i can only go up from here.

+

real, nonreconstituted orange juice...fat free organic milk, and cereal that is made of nonchemically enhanced stuff...food that doesn't require moral compromises and science tastes great. i need to start doing this more often.

i can still get a buzz off of light cigarettes...though camel wides are akin to taking a hit...i enjoy my status as a light weight.

mens magazines are way more interesting, and have less retarded sex tips, thank god for some things.

resumes and interviews and applications are actually exciting me. i like this.

my phone battery died last night. i dig it. i haven't decided if i'll charge it again any time soon. the silence is refreshing.

i'm out of drugs. i have no plans to refill the bags and jars and boxes. i feel clean for once.

i have this urge to catch up on the last few months worth of political bullshit so i can pass by a new paper stand and not avoid eye contact with the Times.

+

i think i'm going to leave my car in the garage and go walking somewhere.

this is a rather weird feeling.

i could get used to it.

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 09:08 :: 3 Comments:

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Wednesday

the salt of your skin

i hate myself when i'm not in control.
and i do rediculously hurtful things to the people i care about.

i hate myself in the morning.
when i can see the things that i've done and how much shit i've caused..

i hate myself the next day.
when i know exactly what i'm doing and it burns me to pick up the pieces..

i hate myself for being myself.
and knowing that that person isn't good enough for me, much less anyone else.

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 11:10 :: 0 Comments:

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Friday

fuck you sara. sayeth the heavens.

i hate this life.

i hate what my life has become.

i hate what i have become.

i hate what i am becoming.

i hate what i am.

i hate me.

+

i also hate bitches.

who steal shit.

and get my panties in a twist.

i hate dealers.

and the things they deal.

and their dealer friends.

i hate cars for needing gas.

and gas for costing money.

and money for being necessary.

i hate california.

for being so goddamn big.

+

i hate the weakness that i seem to be wallowing in.

i hate the stubbornness that i can't let go of.

i hate the pride that makes me do idiot things.

i hate the greed that makes those things seem worthwhile.

i hate the insecurities i can't get over.

i hate the fact that i am spoiled despite my best efforts to not be.

i hate the nightmares i have.

i hate the morning for reminding me that i am not god.

i hate the taste in my mouth after everything has been said.

i hate the sounds i hear in the dark.

i hate the way i look when i wake up in a bed.
[though i love the way i look when i wake up on a floor]

+

i hate the fact that i'm wasting my time listing off the things i hate instead of doing something about them and changing anything.

i hate that no matter how much i whine i can not fix my problems, much less anyone elses, by crying in the bathroom.

i hate that my skin is so thin and the marks appear so quickly, i can not hide from myself much less anyone else.

i hate that i am torn between my head and my heart, and neither of them seems to be a good leader.

i hate that i can not buy certain things in life, that money does not guarantee happiness, that no matter how much money i spend, i will never be perfect.

i hate that i want things which i know i can never, and should never, and will never have, and want them anyway.

i hate that the paperwork is so overwhelming and the red tape so thick, and the bullshit so deep.

+

i don't want to grow old.

i don't like children.

i don't want a cute little hallmark family.

i don't want to make the world a better place.

i don't want to 'help people'.

i don't want to be something great.

i don't want to give anything to humanity.

+

i just want to fuck with your head.

i just want to make something beautiful, even if you can't see the beauty in it.

i just want to stick under your skin, for good reasons or bad.

i just want to make you think, about something, anything.

+

i hate living.

i don't want to die.

although the days when i wished i was already there are begining to pile up again.

i'm not scared of death.

i'm scared of dying.

alone.

hurting.

scared.

wretched.

wasted.

worthless.

+

why do people live lives of preservation.

why do they cut out every pleasure for a few more days at the end of it all.

why does no one seem to see my point.

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 17:52 :: 2 Comments:

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if you lock the door when you take a shower. how am i supposed to join you?

i'm still in bed...

i don't really get how this has happened.
is happening.
and continues to happen.

er...

yes.
it's lovely.
it's beyond nice in fact.
but.
it's me.
in bed.
accomplishing nothing.
for an extended period of time.

i haven't been to the gym in weeks.
i'm not any closer to being moved than i was a week ago.
my roommates are getting pissed with my absence.
the sheets are beyond filthy.
i feel lethargic and lumpy.
i'm restless and fidgity.

i wouldn't trade it.

but like...
wtf.
i don't think this is an existance i could continue.
i need to do shit.
like...
in the i have done shit.
kind of way.

and yeah.
the shower door.
unlock the bastard.
please?

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 08:31 :: 1 Comments:

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Wednesday

i drive too much.

oh god.
my mother.
should not ever have learned what the phrase "myspace" means.

i just informed her that someone wants to "put it in her butt".
she was flabbergasted.

+

the last 6 days have been fantastic.
i've gotten nothing accomplished.
i am in gym withdrawl.
and fuckmeintheass it's divine.

+

i <3 jaffa.

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 18:52 :: 1 Comments:

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Thursday

things are falling apart. things are falling into place.

+

the landlord has been called.
a door will be unlocked.

posessions will be reposessed.
beds will be slept in.
inebriates will be consumed.

drives will be made.
people will be seen.
words will be spilled.

the sun will be avoided.
the covers will be covering.
dreams will be had.

finally.

+

and then.

a dear friend.

+

it amazes me, how, when things go to hell, when i fall apart 17 times, when i become disgusted with this whole game...suddenly it's over.

she's home from the hospital.
my bills are paid.
things are being repaired.
preparations are being made.

+

tasks are completed.
messes have been cleaned up.
people are being reassured.

habits are creeping deeper under my skin.

people have been called.
arrangements have been made.
things have been ordered.

+

i am content.
i am happy.
i am satisfied.
i am peaceful.
i am calm.

i am confused.

+

political science.
philosophy.
cultural policy and anthropology.
art.
literature.
history.

i miss academia.

+

how do you prefer your lemonade?

yellow and tart.
pink and sweet.
light in colour, and in taste.
over concentrated.
icey cold.
somewhat warm.

+

note to self: brownies do not like being made in muffin cups.

+

Posted by blue.vinyl :: 15:23 :: 0 Comments:

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